Dad's adage. That was so important to him, and I took it to heart, it seems. That forms the basis of my relationship with computers, for example. It's a moral thing. Relationship to Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Ideas about qualtiy. It didn't stall, you stalled it. What did he mean by that? He said it to Becky and Beth Ann when the old 49 Chevy he bought for them to drive to Ohio State would sputter and die as they let out the clultch. "It stalled," they'd say. "It stalled on me." That's when he'd through it in like a jab, like punch, not letting them get away with it. "It didn't stall; you stalled it." "It stalled!" she'd exclaim under her breath, but just loud enough. Becky would simmer, she'd smoulder. Dad would redden at the insolence of this little girl. I was a little kid; just an observer; I took in the tension, the clear forces, battling, sparring. I carry it with me today when I watch people; it somehow ingrained a fear a terror of confrontation. It didn't stall; You stalled it. A mantra, a catechism, an old saw, a chant, an incantation, an old jingle that you get get out of your head, a sing-song taunt over and over again it goes: It didn't stall; You stalled it. It didn't stall; You stalled it. It didn't stall; You stalled it. It didn't stall; You stalled it. A big finger hanging in mid blue air waggles and points right at me: It didn't stall; You stalled it. It didn't stall; You stalled it. I tried to figure out what really happened. People don't want to know what's under the hood. They just want it to work. That ain't enough for me. If I'm obsessed, that's one of the main things I'm obsessed about. But the dark side of it is that you blame yourself for everything. Nothing is a glich. You feel guilty about gremlins. About blaming something on external forces. Nothing happens just by accident goddamn it. And so forth. You feel... responsible for things. Unless you don't. Rather, if you let something or somebody come into the realm the circle of what you deem your sphere of responsibility you become hyper responsible for that. That's why you're so reluctant to let anything into that realm. Once that person or that entity is in, it's in. You'll be responsible out the ass for whatever it is. That's it. That's what I was thinking about, but it's so damn hard to put into words. This whole swirl of stuff, and it allstarts with Dad's conversation/fight with his young daughters, with Becky and Beth Ann who he bought a car for, an ancient forty-eight chevy that didn't stall, they stalled it. Daddy, it keeps stalling when I'm driving on the freezing cold day down to the OSU campus. No, it didn't stall, you stalled it. Like I was saying, it stalled, says Becky defiantly. The sparks flew. And little Robbie watching apprehensively, oh my god don't fight, please, and so forth.
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